Closure
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: Addison has a secret and Derek needs to know. 7x18 post-ep. Addie-centric with undertones of Maddison and Addek


**This fic has literally been sitting in my head for the better part of a week while I fought with the idea of whether or not I should write it. And I came to the conclusion that this is a secret that Addison needed to share and it's a piece of the puzzle that Derek needed to have. That and it's one less Song Beneath the Song post-ep idea gathering dust in my brain. That said, I am aware of the tense issues in this piece but I couldn't figure out how to fix them. Please just try to power through. Okay, I've rambled enough. **

**Disclaimer: I have no claim to the Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice franchise and do not enter such endeavors in order to gain profit - these are just my attempts to fill in the pieces.**

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><p>The heel of her palms were pressed so tightly against her eyes that vibrant colors danced like fireworks across the back of her eyelids because she refused to let the godforsaken walls of Seattle Grace – Mercy West be privy to anymore of her tears. Her knees drawn tightly against her chest and a sharp hitch in her breath, Addison Montgomery tried to control her emotions because the stairwell that had seen far too many of her breakdowns was not the place she wanted to fall apart. She didn't want to fall apart at all, really, she wanted to be happy. She needed to be happy. Callie had survived against the odds, Sofia was steadily improving despite their concerns that she wouldn't last the night, she had witnessed Mark Sloan actually apologize to Arizona Robbins, and now her best friend had just agreed to marry the pediatric surgeon – Addison was happy for them, dammit, she really was.<p>

Still, she found herself sitting against the cold brick wall and praying that nobody would interrupt her momentary freakout.

It was still Seattle Grace, despite the post-shooting face lift, and she wasn't remotely surprised when her ex-husband came barreling through the door. She growled and kicked at the step in the distance, "go away, Derek."

"Addie," he breathed her name without a trace of disgust and she found it mildly pleasant, "what's wrong? Everyone is going to be fine."

"Leave it alone," her voice was a broken whisper and she dug her fingernails into her arms in hopes that the physical pain would ground her enough that she wouldn't fall apart, "believe me, Derek, you don't want to know."

"What if I do," he offered with his patented crooked grin as he sat down a few steps up from the landing she had claimed as her own, "what if I actually want to know why the woman who used to be one of my best friends is falling apart in a stairwell even though she just saved the day."

"I didn't save the day," she countered, "Arizona saved the baby, all I did was sew Callie back together – Karev could have done the same damn thing."

"Addison," he reached a hand out to touch her arm but faltered halfway there and let it drop back to his lap, "talk to me. We used to be good at the talking thing... and you're my friend and you're hurting so... talk to me."

"You'll hate me."

Derek slid down a couple steps and this time didn't hesitate to put a hand on her arm, "I am not going to hate you, Addie, we've done enough hating for a lifetime. I know you and I know that you don't cry over anything. I don't know what's making you feel like this but it's obviously too big for just you to hang onto."

"Stop being so nice to me," she chuckled softly through the tears that fell without permission. Despite his many flaws, Derek Shepherd was one of the most compassionate people she had ever met and he always could read her like an open book when she was upset – apparently that didn't just dissolve into the oblivion after their marriage had ended.

"Not until you talk to me," he countered – he had always been just as stubborn as she was, "I won't hate you for whatever it is. Even if it has to do with the past."

"I was pregnant," she breathed the words as her body shook with a thousand emotions swirling inside her, "after you left, I was with Mark until a few days before I came here and somewhere in there... I was pregnant, Derek, and I thought, even though it was so unbelievably fucked up, that we might make it and he went out and he bought this stupid Yankees onesie and this ridiculous calendar and he circled the due date."

"You," Derek let out a slow breath as the color drained from his face, "were pregnant?"

"Until eight weeks later," Addison felt the urge to throw up but powered through because she had to get the entire secret out of her before she exploded, "when I caught Mark with some dumb, young nurse and then I had an abortion. He tried to get me to stay after that and he promised me the world but all I wanted was you."

"Addie..."

"So, I get here and you're in love with Meredith – which is just water under the bridge anymore but it really sucked back then," Addison explained and wiped her tears on the back of her wrist, "and then Mark moves out here and he tries to convince me that we can make it work and he swears up and down that he still loves me. I really wanted to believe him but he's Mark and between the two of us we're one walking, talking clusterfuck."

Despite himself, Derek almost laughed at her swearing because Addison Montgomery didn't do improper things unless she was seriously inebriated.

"And then you leave me for Meredith," she swallowed hard and powers through, "and somehow I end up in Los Angeles with Naomi who tells me that I essentially am infertile so I give up. I am never going to have a kid but I almost get it with Pete because Lucas might be the greatest kid I have ever met then Violet comes back and I don't have the heart to fuck up another relationship. And now, now, I really want a child more than I want my next breath but my body is a hostile environment and Sam doesn't want to try anyways because he's done the dad thing and I'm stupid for asking him."

The tears come so hard and fast that Derek could hardly understand her around the sobs.

"And my best friend," she choked on the words and tossed her head backward against the wall in anguish, "my best friend, whom I love so much and am so entirely happy for, has a baby with the one guy who could apparently knock my infertile parts up. And it is so messed up but right now it really fucking hurts, Derek, because he's finally got the perfect family that he begged me for and I'm not the one who's giving it to him. And I don't know if I want him now or if I could ever love him again but it hurts so much because my mind wont stop playing 'what if' with my heart."

"Come here," he crawled over to her and wrapped his body around hers like he could protect her from anything that could have hurt her, "I am so sorry, Addie, I should have... a lot of things... but I'm sorry that I never knew about this. That I wasn't someone you could trust with this before."

"I didn't want to hurt you," her voice muffled by his scrub top, "I don't want to hurt you and... I'm just your ex-wife, you don't have to take care of me."

"You will never be just my ex-wife," he promised her, "we were friends long before we got together and a whole world of hurt doesn't rip away the fact that my friend is hurting right now."

"I hate this," Addison's breathing began to calm as she talked, "I hate myself for being so jealous and hurt when their little girl is fighting for her life in the NICU and so many things could still go wrong with Callie and-"

His hand covered her mouth, "I know you fancy yourself a saint, Addison Montgomery, but you are just as human as the rest of us and you're allowed to feel anyway you damn well please because I know you. I know you aren't sitting here wishing Sofia ill or Callie, Arizona, and Mark pain, you're not throwing bad juju at them, you're just hurting right now and that's okay. I'm actually pretty sure that it's normal and if you didn't feel this way it would be weird."

"I have no claim to him," she sighed and wiped her tears, "I don't know if I ever did."

"You had a child together," he supplied and wiped the running mascara from her skin with his thumb, "and despite the circumstances that lead to said child not being born, you had a child and that binds you together for all eternity."

"So philosophic," Addison smiled through her sniffles, "you're being very serene about all of this. I expected the Derek that slams doors and throws things."

"To change the things I can," Derek paraphrased the serenity prayer, "and to accept the things I can't."

"Wow," she teased, "that's very grown up of you."

"Well, I couldn't very well be a brooding teenager forever."

"I suppose not," she smiled.

"Ah," he grinned and prodded the corner of her mouth with his thumb, "there's that beautiful smile of yours."

The door opened again and Meredith Grey entered the stairwell, "Derek, are you – oh, Addison!"

"I'll be ready to go in a minute," he promised his post-it wife, "Addie just needed to vent for a minute – just like we all did after today," he added the last bit with a very pointed look.

"Oh," Meredith offered a closed mouth smile and a curt nod, "I'll just meet you in the lobby. Addison, it was really good to see you, despite the circumstances, have a safe flight back."

"Thank you," she offered a small smile in return before the resident escaped back the way she came.

"You going to be okay," Derek asked and stood before offering her a hand up, "because I can stay or find Bailey or call Naomi for you."

"I'm fine," she promised, "I just needed to have a very Addison meltdown, apparently."

"It's never a real visit back until you've had one," he replied, "and I'm glad to finally know the truth."

"Thanks for listening," she wiped a hand over her tired face, "I should go check on my patients and grab a few hours of sleep before my flight back."

He pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her temple, "I don't mind listening if you ever need me to again - you know how to find me."

Addison nodded and pressed a kiss to the underside of his chin, "I'll see you sometime."

"Our paths only part to meet again," he promised and she knew he had stole the line from one of those classics he had always been so fond of but she let him have his moment of philosophical glory before slipping away.

Addison headed up the stairs toward the NICU while Derek traveled downward to the lobby both parting with a bit of closure they hadn't been aware they were lacking.


End file.
